Monday, August 20, 2012

Symptoms and the Truth

I still have really bad heartburn, and stabbing pains in my uterus. {These were my first symptoms of pregnancy} That just doesn't seam fair to me! I have many days were I still "feel pregnant" now many of you may think stabbing isn't how pregnancy feels. But in my experience that is what my pregnancy felt like, which probably was a sign from the start something was wrong.

I just can't help but let my mind go to this place that thinks, "Okay so you feel pregnant, Doctors are wrong sometimes. Maybe you still are. Maybe you are again!" Then I have the flash back to the day when my doctor called me with definitive results and his first words were, "I'm very sorry..." and then went into technical terms and hormone count levels which I didn't comprehend because I was too busy trying to breath while my heart was breaking inside my chest.

If anything I just want my body to be back to normal. Because I don't need any help being reminded that...

I am no longer pregnant

Uh seeing those words on the page is hard, they make my heart ache but I have to write them because I need to face the truth. But today is hard, this is hard. It is so impossible for me to comprehend that we planned the next year of our life around the single fact that there was a growing child with a heart beat inside of me, and that I was a mother. And within hours that whole future with that child vanished...

These thoughts and feelings seam to burn inside me and the only way I can let them out - let some of the pain go is to write them down. No judgments, no questions, no agenda. Just the truth about how I feel.

We took these cute photos along the way and I was sad I never got to post them so why shouldn't I!?
I bought chocolate covered cookies along with pregnancy tests because I knew if they were negative I would want some comfort food, if they were positive then we could have celebratory cookies!
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