Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Our Journey and Deepest Sorrow

A lot happened while away visiting my family - unfortunately Taylor couldn't come with me
I want to share our journey

During my miscarriage I constantly kept thinking back to a post my friend Sharon made about her experience. Everyone kept telling me how "natural" this was along with the sad statistics of 25% of first pregnancy's ending in miscarriage. But nothing about those days felt natural to me, my body and especially not my emotions. I knew that if anything I wanted to use my experience to hopefully affect someone else's life in a positive way. I have been keeping journals since the beginning and want to share them not for pity but because this is what life is, it is about sharing our joy, sorrow and experiences.

March 21st, 2012 – The Decision
How did I know we were ready to make such a life altering change? This Christmas disaster struck my life in a really personally way I had never felt before - my best friend of eleven years committed suicide. It caused me to sit down and really evaluate my life and figure out what was most important to me. The answer to that questions: the Lord and my Husband. It really came down to what mattered in the eternal perspective and that I loved my family and that was my true desire in life is to have my own family. I decided to graduate early with my associates and evaluate my life further but take it one step at a time. 

March 23rd, 2012 – Unknown Love
After we made our educated decision this is where the love and excitement started to grow. The decision had been made and the idea of our child became real and this unknown love started to swell inside us and in our home. 
I don't think I realized you could love someone so much already before even knowing them but there is already a spot in our hearts for this bundle of joy who we hope will come into our lives in maybe 10 months who really knows.

March 27th, 2012 – Waiting
Now I think the hardest part is the waiting. {Little did I know this was the easy part}

April 1st, 2012 – Impatience
Negative. Taylor kept starring at it thinking maybe if we waited long enough that second pink line would appear. But I wasn’t worried I knew it was wrong. But during the day I had this sad realization that it is very plausible that I am not pregnant. I shed some tears and buck up.

April 3rd, 2012 – Our hopes were in vain
Still negative. The reality of the fact like I am not pregnant sinks in. There is no baby yet, my heart filled with an empty sadness even though I know it isn’t permanent. I crawl back into bed to fall asleep.

April 4th, 2012 – Enjoyment
The only thing left to do is wait till next time to try all over again in two months (because I don’t want to be due right at Christmas) but in the mean time I am going to buck up and appreciate the months I have left with my body, my happy stomach and enjoy them! I can try to lose those 8 extra lingering pounds these next two months. I am going to get enrolled in some Yoga classes and I am going to find a fun job and explore Virginia when we get there.

July 17rd, 2012 – Too Perfect?
The summer of selling is coming to a close and everything seems to be falling into place. I have graduated, found a school that will help me get on a career path that is family and baby friendly. We are moving into our dream apartment in the fall and we are finally getting some real savings in place… everything seems too perfect. I called my Mom is tears and told her everything seemed too good, the storm has finally calmed after the loss of my friend and everything is happening just how I want it – which only meant something bad was about to happen. I just don’t know what it was, but it can’t be that big right!? Not after everything I went through this last semester, I feel I have already exceeded my trail limit this year!

July 29th, 2012 – Jumping for Joy
I am jumping up and down tears running down my face and I am squealing. I can't even process the amount of blissful joy running through my body it all comes out in high pitch noises and tears of gratitude. After many months of trying and hoping I finally got a positive pregnancy test. And another. And another. It is definitive... I am pregnant. I am carrying our child!!! All this love that we have been building up over the months is finally going towards someone, our baby, our baby inside Me!

August 4th, 2012 – Tragedy Strikes
Morning: I sent Taylor all the updated info on what would be happening in the fifth week. Our babies heart is going to create it's four chambers today and start a more regular heart beat. It is also just formed into an Embryo - this single fact made me so happy that I went around telling all my sisters. I was so proud of our little guy/gal growing soooo fast!!

Noon: I lay on the floor screaming out in pain, agony, anger, doubt, and confusion. I finally let the words leave my lips, "My Baby is Gone" then I repeat them over and over again until the deep moans and sobs of agony take over my whole body.

Night: The only reason the tears have stopped is because I think my body has literally run out of tears. I feel numb, and shocked. When I left my husband arms last I was carrying our child and in a matter of hours my whole life was tipped upside down and tossed around. I can't even find sufficient words to describe how I feel and what this day has done to me. Pain is such a simple word, although it was extremely painful physically and emotionally that word only skims the surface.

August 5th, 2012 – The Longing
Stuck on a loop replaying the agony and trying to make sense of everything. I need to let this pain strengthen me, but right now all I can feel is longing and an ache is my heart that won't stop. I wanted this baby so badly. I am now realizing how insignificant everything else seems. I just walk around and tag along with the family feeling dead inside, cuddling with anyone who is willing in the absence of my husband.

I wanted that baby. Everything inside me aches for that baby.

August 6th, 2012 – Raw
I lay in bed sore and tender from the trauma my body has endured. My eyes, heart and head beg for sleep after such a long day. Yet I have these waves of Agony that keep me awake lying in bed feeling so alone. No matter how many people send their condolences this pain is still only mine and it feels so raw.


Mandy said...

There are never words enough to express how sad it is to loose someone you love. I am sorry to hear about your loss and hope that you will be comforted by your family and friends as well as the Lord.

Livingstones said...

Martha I am continually reading your blog and am so amazed with all that you have been doing and experiencing. This post was one that reminded me of the challenges we face and the strength the Lord gives us to endure them. You have one of the kindest hearts I know, and it breaks mine to know you have gone through something so tragic. I hope you find the comfort you need in the arms of the Lord, as I am certain you will.