17 Weeks

Week 16 +17 have felt about the same for me. We found out our baby is a girl, which has totally made my heart melt and I am going a little baby crazy right now with all the adorable little girl clothes that seam to be everywhere!

As far as symptoms my belly is starting to get itchy and I can feel it stretching. Hello Oil and Lotion, I might as well try even though they say it doesn't help I sure hope I can avoid stretch marks. I am surprised by how much my belly has grown in the past two weeks. Also I am very hungry, needing to eat a lot more frequent small meals at least every 2-3 hours or I feel I will just wither away. Also I have had a head ache for the past week and need to pee way more! 

The greatest new symptom of all which I am trying to not get too excited about is for the past three days in a row I have felt a little nudge from inside me. Feels like a tiny little "hey you" nudge from under my bellow button area. Not positive it is baby, but doesn't feel like anything else either!

Favourite maternity finds of the week: Ross, I found the shirt below for $9.99 and another shirt for only $2.49 cant really go wrong at those prices. Even though once again they are all blue, all the clearance maternity is all blue weird but oh well!!

I have had so many friends get pregnant these past couple of months and some have had miscarriages. It completely breaks my heart, as many of you know I have gone through this experience and it is completely world shattering. I just want to say how extremely blessed I feel to be carrying this sweet child of god. It truly is a miracle and I cannot even convey in words how happy I am in this time of my life. I love and feel for all of those who are trying to get pregnant or have lost a pregnancy. From personal experience I know how hard it is but how sweet the outcome is and worth the heart ache and waiting. I love all of you even if I don't know you, I hope you can find support and hope in my own experience. (Feel free to read a little bit about our journey in this link)

Many of you will probably wonder why I have announced our exciting news "early". I simply think it is just too exciting to wait. The reason people think it is "early" is because I run the risk of miscarrying. Which is very true, I think about it everyday since that is how my last pregnancy ended. 

But this amazing miracle happened and I want to enjoy every moment of it no matter how long or short it lasts. I want to share my life and experience with whoever wants to read or listen. I hope that in someway I will help someone else feel a little less alone, help someone feel supported, and just be straight up excited about all the up's and done's in my life.

Snap Shots of Life Lately

I got the Assistant Manager job at DownEast highest volume store in the company! Which is in Orem, Utah... which yes you guessed it means I had to move but more on that later.

Read this amazing book, if you have any questions about your body as far as fertility and all that women stuff this book is amazing. I seriously was on an emotional high after reading it I felt so empowered.

Taylor spoiled me with a new car! I am in love with my Jetta, it is super fun to drive, heated seats, sport mode and all the other bells and whistles.

Moving to Saratoga Springs Utah, we found a 3 bedroom 2 bath condo that we loved and we are renting it out for hopefully the next couple years. I will be living here alone till August while Taylor lives in Austin Texas.

We painted for the first time and I am loving that I got to pick my own paint and decorate a new bathroom and do all that fun grown up stuff.

Embarrassing... but seriously my life lately! Sending good morning kisses to my husband over text.

 Long distance bites!

Taylor came to visit me this weekend and we got so much work done on the Condo along with a delicious breakfast at Kneaders. It's down the road and everyone one in Utah has been raving about.

These pictures really sum up the last couple of weeks of my life. I have been having unexplained symptoms for the past couples of months, I visited the hospital a while back but they finally sent me home because they didn't know what was wrong. Finally I got in contact with an amazing Fertility Surgeon and Reproductive Endocrinologist. My pain has been effecting me a lot lately and so I finally went in this week for a procedure to see if we could find the cause. There has been some talk of a disease but we won't know until more testing is done. I went in for a procedure today which has me recovering in bed... hence the time to finally do some much needed blogging.

It has been a rough and painful road, physically and emotionally but as you can see we are still smiling through it. Learning life lessons, and falling more in love with each other as we endure together.

This weekend was also the due date of our little baby that we lost this summer. Still so much love in our hearts for him/her. It has been a journey I never expected to take but it has brought to much perspective into our lives along with so much love. Taylor and I have such an amazing relationship and we know that when we finally do have our miracle baby we will be bringing one of the Lord's children into a home full of love and lots of laughter.

You can read more about our fertility journey here

A Sincere Question

I have just been over flowing with emotion these past weeks and have to share just a little so I don't burst at the seams. I hope I'm not the only one that feels like this sometime.

"Once a women carries a baby, her life will be altered forever." 
- Sharri Wittwer

In such a short time when pregnant we had this powerful bond and love for our child, each other and felt waiting for the blessing to come was worth the wait. We had built and planned this whole future and vision of our life in the near future which was soon shattered in one tragic event. My heart is still broken and my love only seems to grow stronger for that baby I was carrying. I wish there was some magic words that would help me heal or "move-on" but so far I have found the most comfort in the words...

"How are YOU?"

I have only have one person in the past month or two sincerely come to me and ask me how I was doing, or coping with the recent events. Such powerful words! Knowing that someone is still thinking of me and wanting to know that I was doing okay meant so much. Next time you see someone struggling or hear of them going through a hard time try asking this and listening. It will probably be the best way that you can help is to just truly care about them.

Symptoms and the Truth

I still have really bad heartburn, and stabbing pains in my uterus. {These were my first symptoms of pregnancy} That just doesn't seam fair to me! I have many days were I still "feel pregnant" now many of you may think stabbing isn't how pregnancy feels. But in my experience that is what my pregnancy felt like, which probably was a sign from the start something was wrong.

I just can't help but let my mind go to this place that thinks, "Okay so you feel pregnant, Doctors are wrong sometimes. Maybe you still are. Maybe you are again!" Then I have the flash back to the day when my doctor called me with definitive results and his first words were, "I'm very sorry..." and then went into technical terms and hormone count levels which I didn't comprehend because I was too busy trying to breath while my heart was breaking inside my chest.

If anything I just want my body to be back to normal. Because I don't need any help being reminded that...

I am no longer pregnant

Uh seeing those words on the page is hard, they make my heart ache but I have to write them because I need to face the truth. But today is hard, this is hard. It is so impossible for me to comprehend that we planned the next year of our life around the single fact that there was a growing child with a heart beat inside of me, and that I was a mother. And within hours that whole future with that child vanished...

These thoughts and feelings seam to burn inside me and the only way I can let them out - let some of the pain go is to write them down. No judgments, no questions, no agenda. Just the truth about how I feel.

We took these cute photos along the way and I was sad I never got to post them so why shouldn't I!?
I bought chocolate covered cookies along with pregnancy tests because I knew if they were negative I would want some comfort food, if they were positive then we could have celebratory cookies!

Today I read an article called Coping with the Heartache of Miscarriage and the women expressed a lot of things that I felt. The article title I feel was a little misleading but I think they did a great job of showing others experiences and showing that the pain you're feeling is more then okay. If you know someone who has gone through this, I think this gives a good insight into what they might be feeling afterwards.

 "It’s hard to say good-bye when you never had the chance to say hello. I may never be able to hold them in my arms, but I will always hold them in my heart. They are part of me. Because of them, I walk softer. Life is more fragile, more precious."

"My arms ached to hold my baby... I felt vulnerable and afraid that I might lose another child... I had planned our baby’s future. When the baby died, that future died."

"All I wanted was someone to hug me and sympathize. I just wanted someone to be there and care."

"Although statistics on the frequency of miscarriage vary widely, most indicate that miscarriage is fairly common. Yet that fact does not lessen the pain of those who experience this trial." - Easing the Pain of Mascarriage by Summer Thorp

Now for Healing

Click in Moms has a great article on the subjecting of getting yourself out of life's slumps, it is basic knowledge but sometimes it helps to have someone remind us of what we need to do next.

What next? How do I move on and learn to heal?

I don't fully know the answer to this questions, I know it will be a long process and I think I will have many moments where I remember, "Oh yeah I'm not pregnant anymore." The mornings are usually the worse when I wake up and my mind does this quick replay of the last couple weeks and I have to quickly relive it before I get out of bed in the morning. Or when the little girl I nanny asks me "Martha, are you a mom... why not!?" over and over. I walked past some strollers in a store the other day and promptly burst into tears. I just sat on weight machine at the gym yesterday and cried, it just washes over me no matter where I am. But this is about moving on and smiling again.

This quote has brought me a lot comfort by Elder Wirthlin:

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

- I am going to get my nails done and go to lunch with a friend

- Lay in bed with my husband and just be with each other

- Go to a Yoga class and lift weights

- Let my husband spoil me with dinner and a date

- Play sonic and sega racing with my husband {I always get really goofy and riled up}

- Try my absolute best to be happy for all my pregnant friends because it really is a miracle
- Appreciate all the things people have done for me
- Pray! Attend the temple
- Focus on all the things I am doing now and will do before we start our family
-Enjoying alone time with my hubby and our spontaneous life together
- I want to reach my final goal of losing 20lbs and stay healthy for the next pregnancy

Sharonjohnsonphotography.com
She sent me this photo of Taylor and I when she heard the sad news. It made me weep! Such a sweet gesture  :)
My funny buck tooth smile and all this is pure joy caught on camera. I know we will find many more moments to bend over and just laugh out loud!

Our Journey and Deepest Sorrow

A lot happened while away visiting my family - unfortunately Taylor couldn't come with me

I want to share our journey

During my miscarriage I constantly kept thinking back to a post my friend Sharon made about her experience. Everyone kept telling me how "natural" this was along with the sad statistics of 25% of first pregnancy's ending in miscarriage. But nothing about those days felt natural to me, my body and especially not my emotions. I knew that if anything I wanted to use my experience to hopefully affect someone else's life in a positive way. I have been keeping journals since the beginning and want to share them not for pity but because this is what life is, it is about sharing our joy, sorrow and experiences.

March 21^st, 2012 – The Decision

How did I know we were ready to make such a life altering change? This Christmas disaster struck my life in a really personally way I had never felt before - my best friend of eleven years committed suicide. It caused me to sit down and really evaluate my life and figure out what was most important to me. The answer to that questions: the Lord and my Husband. It really came down to what mattered in the eternal perspective and that I loved my family and that was my true desire in life is to have my own family. I decided to graduate early with my associates and evaluate my life further but take it one step at a time. 

March 23^rd, 2012 – Unknown Love

After we made our educated decision this is where the love and excitement started to grow. The decision had been made and the idea of our child became real and this unknown love started to swell inside us and in our home. 

I don't think I realized you could love someone so much already before even knowing them but there is already a spot in our hearts for this bundle of joy who we hope will come into our lives in maybe 10 months who really knows.

March 27^th, 2012 – Waiting

Now I think the hardest part is the waiting. {Little did I know this was the easy part}

April 1^st, 2012 – Impatience

Negative. Taylor kept starring at it thinking maybe if we waited long enough that second pink line would appear. But I wasn’t worried I knew it was wrong. But during the day I had this sad realization that it is very plausible that I am not pregnant. I shed some tears and buck up.

April 3^rd, 2012 – Our hopes were in vain

Still negative. The reality of the fact like I am not pregnant sinks in. There is no baby yet, my heart filled with an empty sadness even though I know it isn’t permanent. I crawl back into bed to fall asleep.

April 4^th, 2012 – Enjoyment

The only thing left to do is wait till next time to try all over again in two months (because I don’t want to be due right at Christmas) but in the mean time I am going to buck up and appreciate the months I have left with my body, my happy stomach and enjoy them! I can try to lose those 8 extra lingering pounds these next two months. I am going to get enrolled in some Yoga classes and I am going to find a fun job and explore Virginia when we get there.

July 17^rd, 2012 – Too Perfect?

The summer of selling is coming to a close and everything seems to be falling into place. I have graduated, found a school that will help me get on a career path that is family and baby friendly. We are moving into our dream apartment in the fall and we are finally getting some real savings in place… everything seems too perfect. I called my Mom is tears and told her everything seemed too good, the storm has finally calmed after the loss of my friend and everything is happening just how I want it – which only meant something bad was about to happen. I just don’t know what it was, but it can’t be that big right!? Not after everything I went through this last semester, I feel I have already exceeded my trail limit this year!

July 29^th, 2012 – Jumping for Joy

I am jumping up and down tears running down my face and I am squealing. I can't even process the amount of blissful joy running through my body it all comes out in high pitch noises and tears of gratitude. After many months of trying and hoping I finally got a positive pregnancy test. And another. And another. It is definitive... I am pregnant. I am carrying our child!!! All this love that we have been building up over the months is finally going towards someone, our baby, our baby inside Me!

August 4^th, 2012 – Tragedy Strikes

Morning: I sent Taylor all the updated info on what would be happening in the fifth week. Our babies heart is going to create it's four chambers today and start a more regular heart beat. It is also just formed into an Embryo - this single fact made me so happy that I went around telling all my sisters. I was so proud of our little guy/gal growing soooo fast!!

Noon: I lay on the floor screaming out in pain, agony, anger, doubt, and confusion. I finally let the words leave my lips, "My Baby is Gone" then I repeat them over and over again until the deep moans and sobs of agony take over my whole body.

Night: The only reason the tears have stopped is because I think my body has literally run out of tears. I feel numb, and shocked. When I left my husband arms last I was carrying our child and in a matter of hours my whole life was tipped upside down and tossed around. I can't even find sufficient words to describe how I feel and what this day has done to me. Pain is such a simple word, although it was extremely painful physically and emotionally that word only skims the surface.

August 5^th, 2012 – The Longing

Stuck on a loop replaying the agony and trying to make sense of everything. I need to let this pain strengthen me, but right now all I can feel is longing and an ache is my heart that won't stop. I wanted this baby so badly. I am now realizing how insignificant everything else seems. I just walk around and tag along with the family feeling dead inside, cuddling with anyone who is willing in the absence of my husband.

I wanted that baby. Everything inside me aches for that baby.

August 6^th, 2012 – Raw

I lay in bed sore and tender from the trauma my body has endured. My eyes, heart and head beg for sleep after such a long day. Yet I have these waves of Agony that keep me awake lying in bed feeling so alone. No matter how many people send their condolences this pain is still only mine and it feels so raw.